The symptoms of toxic masculinity are all around us. While these symptoms manifest in a myriad of ways, I’ve developed a term, toxic masculinity guys or TMGs for short, to refer to the most obnoxious and oppressive in their pursuit of society’s gold star, the elusive title of “real man.” Toxic masculinity refers to the code of conduct society imposes on men that ultimately hurts the lives of both men and women. As Suzannah Weiss points out in a Bustle article, 6 Harmful Effects of Toxic Masculinity, by advancing the concept “that men must be strong, have no feelings, and dominate women, Western ideals of masculinity lead men to miss out on aspects of life that should be available to all people, regardless of gender–things like emotional connection and nurturing.” While toxic masculinity is not a new topic, the plethora of ways in which it lets us all down needs to be discussed more often.

Ridiculous displays of toxic masculinity not only rob women of the chance to be the hero, but also men of the chance to ask for help. Women are frequently expected to watch while the men in their lives handle or mishandle various situations. It’s sitting inside the car as your date struggles to change the tire when you know exactly how the job is done. It’s watching a group of guys try to jump a car battery when you know how to connect the cables. It’s watching a guy try to figure out which tool to use when you built everything in your apartment. Of course, after decades of being told a “real man” can do these tasks, TMGs are too insecure to ask for help which results in everyone waiting for the tool in head-to-toe sports paraphernalia to get it together. Because the tasks are perceived as “manly,” women are taught that excelling at them somehow cheats the men in their lives of the opportunity to feel masculine, to protect or otherwise save the day. Women are told men will feel threatened by shows of independence and strength and are actively encouraged to downplay their strength and abilities in order to boost the egos of the men in their lives. Instead of celebrating the woman who could have changed the tire in 5 minutes and gotten the group back on the road, TMGs would rather be inconvenienced than benefit from the wealth of wisdom and assistance women offer as a result of their irrational insistence upon being “leaders” at all times. These commonplace scenarios are just a few examples of the ways in which toxic masculinity hurts everyone by requiring women to appear smaller so TMGs can feel better about their perceived inadequacies.

TMGs feel threatened by strong, independent women because they have been conditioned to view male/female interactions as competition centered largely on dominance as opposed to constructive partnership and collaboration. Men have been trained to measure their self-worth based upon how starkly their constructed identities contrast with the stereotypically feminine. Young men are set up for failure when they learn and ultimately incorporate sexist ideas into their daily interactions with women. When they finally turn off or pause porn screens that teach them to degrade women and view them as objects existing only for sexual pleasure, they are woefully ill-equipped to interact. It’s truly terrifying when a TMG attempts to reconcile his perception of himself as a so-called “nice guy” with rejection. TMGs have been raised on the patronizing and patently false narrative that women are obsessed with love, relationships, and children.  The idea that a nice car + nice job = a stereotypically beautiful girlfriend/wife or leads to sex is feeble on screen but even more so in the real world. When TMGs raised on these narratives try to engage independent women IRL, these lies crash down around them in spectacular fashion. This speaks to the ugliest element of toxic masculinity: rape culture. Many TMGs, enraged that their misguided approaches to attracting the opposite sex have failed, become aggressive and violent. They feel entitled to sex and women’s bodies in general and find themselves baffled when women aren’t competing in a hunger games of sorts to become their girlfriends, wives, mothers or sexual partners. The tragic misinterpretation of rejection as an affront to a very fragile sense of masculinity continues to lead to violence. It is imperative that we discuss these issues as part of creating a safer environment for women and girls.

Instead of reinforcing the restrictive, damaging and often violent effects of toxic masculinity, we can choose to work together to reimagine our society as a place where men and women are allowed to be who they are intrinsically, without labels or shame. Dismantling the ideologies of toxic masculinity allows us to begin the work of creating space for everyone to live authentically and safely.